How to Take Awesome Couple Shots

Dear Diary: Tonight I’m sneaking off to the abandoned taffy factory to look for treasure. Also, if boys had uteruses, they’d be called duderuses. My crotch is itchy. There’s someone behind the milk. Maybe it’s the dairy fairy. Ugg, my heart just pooped its pants. Not if you’re a fish. The hand wants what the hand wants.

Suddenly, Tina Belcher appeared in the doorway. She knew what she had to do. If you need me, I’ll be down here on the floor. Dying. I’m compiling a list of people I can mate with to repopulate the Earth. A pants-off. For me? Dr. Yap, once I was into you, but after seeing you torture my father, I think we should just be friends with dental benefits. Argh!… Wait, I like the library.

Give them ridiculous French accents. Hey Jimmy Jr. Did you see those two squirrels fighting in the courtyard? Hey Jimmy Jr. Did you see those two squirrels fighting in the courtyard? Dad, if you believe you’re beautiful, you will be. I did. Let’s raise our glasses! My crotch is itchy.

Is it possible to be in love with 25 people at once? Everyone touched each other’s butts, and it was great. Sausage leather belts. I had no idea there was so much butt touching in baseball. Please don’t tell Mom and Dad. It’s not meant to be hilarious. It’s supposed to be erotic.

Dad, you’re the best pimp a girl could ever have. This is such a snore-gasm. Time for the charm bomb to explode. Dr. Yap is dreamy. When he’s looking at my molars, it’s like he’s looking into my soul. Buns…sen. I’m gonna write the most erotic, graphic, freakiest friend fiction ever.